Ah.  Almost done with college and I couldn't be happier.  I've learned a lot since I came to the University of MN, but it's time to go.

I've been itching to start a business ever since I took a year and a half off from college during 2003-2004.  In the next year and a half, I'm going to be going to take some much-needed R&R while trying to stay afloat economically.

My plan:  to get a job at the U and start slowly putting the pieces together to start my jeans business.  Even thinking about that is overwhelming right now, but I'm still excited about the idea of doing good for the world while making money.  Who doesn't wear jeans and want to buy something that ISN'T made in a sweatshop?

By now, there's the tired arguments  (for Levis and other textile manufacturers) of, "But they're providing jobs to people, so it's better than no money at all for their families."  True, but come on.  Is that the excuse we want to tell ourselves and other people?  I sure as shit hope not, because I think we can do better and MUST do better as a world community to keep evolving in a spiritual and emotional manner.  Caring about other people is so important and that's where so many Adam Smith capitalists are morally myopic in their assessment of how capitalism helps people.

Let's face it: capitalists are only as ethical as the people who reside in the business world, and the old guard doesn't look so hot compared to us up-and-comers who want to change the world.

OK, I have a lot of ranting that I need to get off my chest so in the coming weeks, expect more of that with some hopefullness on top:)

So I picked up a book this weekend called "You Have the Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear."  I first found out about it from my friend/teacher Faith and read a bit of it at her house last summer.

Picking up the book again makes me excited.  It makes me excited because I realize that so much of my life is consumed by fear --and that fear helps to fuel much of my depression.  Strange that I didn't directly connect these things before.

One of the things the book talks about is how our fear might actually be a signal to move forward into the unknown (if it's not hurtful).  I think that some of what I've been having problems with (writing for school) has been an accumulation of fear.  But what am I afraid of?

I've done part of the assignment by reading what I need to, so why is writing like getting my wisdom teeth pulled minus the anesthetic?

I am afraid of writing papers because...
-I might need help, thus feeling like I can't do it myself
-I might have to do a paper all over after putting so much work into it
-I am worried about how long it will take

Finally, there's always the idea that I might hate writing papers because I just don't like writing.

Another section in the book talks about taking a step back and realizing that we don't know what we might want to come next in our life, or maybe we just plum don't know ourselves period.

I feel like I need to be honest with myself and say that I don't know how this business that I want so desperately will get off the ground, but I will try my darndest to try to find out all that I can even though I'll be moving into the unknown.

I don't know the business world; people and myself hear that it's dog-eat-dog out there, I feel like I could live through that.  Although, on the other hand, I think I isolate myself too much and might burn bridges before I get to know the people that I most definitely will meet on my journey.  I've had a tendency in my life to write people off before truly finding out about them.  No doubt this is probably a defense mechanism to keep from being disappointed with people in the end.  I really need to work on that.

Cuz what is life anyway,  but taking chances?  We wake up and we could get hit by a car.  We can also wake up and try to make connections.  I find that really fulfilling, so much so that my heart feels like it wants to burst when I actually do.

Now I just hope that no terminal illness befalls me so that I can be a hero and follow through with my business idea.  Does that sound vain?  Probably, but I also think I want to feel like I'm contributing something good to my society, even if it isn't easy to do (and trust me, I have no illusions about the fact that a business, a fair trade business at that, takes hard work).

Hopefully this semester will end soon and then I can hopefully get a desk job.  With a desk job, I think I can get my energy back to do this idea because the passion is there, but I could really use a jumpstart after academia has sucked my creative enthusiasm dry:)

    So here I am and it's 10:44.  I should have had my 4-page rough draft done this morning.  I'm sure my TA is probably pissed at me and I still can't muster up enough energy to care about this assignment.  I absolutely hate writing papers and I have the hardest time doing them.
    If anybody has any ideas on how to kick the procrastination habit (along with the anxiety disorder that helps to make me paralyzed with fear when trying to write), please, let me know.
    I'm really excited to be a part of this community, although I think that there should definitely be more ways to connect zaadzsters to each other, rather than having to look through each and every profile.
    Anyway, I hope this site can be a real tool for networking rather than just another MySpace or Friendster site.
    Speaking of MySpace and sites like it, I don't get why people put other people in their "friends" list when they haven't even gotten to know the person yet.  This isn't a popularity contest, people.  I hope zaadzsters leave that crap to MySpace and other sites that encourage quantity over quality.

Well, that's the end of my rant and hopefully the end of my procrastination.